Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
