Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
