if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
