you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize