I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
