I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
