i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize