I hate your face
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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