You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
