First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Say something about gay babies.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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