I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
