tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
