So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
they call him Oral-B. enough said
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
