A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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