Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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