i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
That's how pantless uber rides happen
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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