just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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