Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize