I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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