How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
