I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
