Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
