So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
