I want to make a zoo with you.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
