I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
