checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
