Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
