My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
