Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
