She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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