i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
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