Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
