Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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