i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Just pee around me
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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