i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize