just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
