If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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