i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
