I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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