Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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