Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
