ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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