I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
