Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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