Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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