you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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