I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize