You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
