Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
