I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
