i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
