At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
