just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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