oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
