Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
