im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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