The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
