her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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