we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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