the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize