I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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