I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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