Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You took a bar mat shot.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
